Those pesky conflicting emotions

Have you ever had a lot of different emotions in one day? Or at one time? Most of us probably have.  That seems to have been my life the past 5 years.  I am definitely no stranger to conflicting emotions. I think at some point, we wonder if that means we are crazy, because how is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time?  Or to be fearful and have hope at the same time?  I just experienced these conflicting emotions a few days ago and it threw me for a whirlwind of thoughts and strange feelings.

My grandmother (my only living grandparent) was admitted into the hospital this past week with some serious heart problems.  (She's been released now and is following up with more doctors to figure out what is going on).  But of course, of all places...she was admitted to Sacred Heart Hospital.  We parked on the Heart Institute side of the hospital and started making our way through the parking lot to one of the side entrances.  My mind immediately went back to the days when I spent a huge amount of time on Floor 2, The Cancer Ward. The years of 2005 and 2006 were spent with my first husband Craig, as he went through his battle with Lymphoma.  We had a lot of rough times in that hospital, a lot of good times too.  That hospital is where he passed away.   So, I have a general dislike of that place.  I remember for the first year after he passed, when I drove by Sacred Heart, my stomach would lurch and I would almost have some kind of panic attack.  I hated that place.  So, when we were walking up to the entrance of the hospital a few days ago, I remembered that same walk from the car to doors.  Craig didn't eat a lot of hospital food, so any time he was in the hospital, I would usually go out and get us breakfast.  Of course other people who were so generous brought us food most other times of the day.  I was never a morning person (and still am not), but still when I have to get up really early, just when it's turning daylight out, I am brought back to those days of getting up out of the cot in the hospital room, making that familiar walk out to my car and driving to get McDonald's. 

I always park at the same place there at Sacred Heart, so the route from the parking lot, through the doors, down the hall, a turn to the right, down the hall to the elevator....even though it's been years, it's still so familiar to me.  Like those days were yesterday.  So, on the way to see my grandmother, I expected to have those yucky emotions and memories, but I wasn't expecting how strong they ended up being.  As soon as we walked in the doors, the smell hit me.  Not a bad smell, just that hospital smell.  And memories flooded my mind.  Bad ones, and good ones.  You know, smell is the strongest link to our memories.  I knew that, but I had forgotten how strong it could be.  It was crazy.  So many things flashed in my mind; I could clearly remember the faces of different doctors and nurses, the cleaning ladies, the lady at the Starbucks on the corner, where all the scans and procedures took place, the stairway that I used so much, the hospital rooms, the nurses stations, the chapel, how to work the iv pump, where the bathrooms were.   So many memories that seemed like yesterday.  And the different emotions started.  The ache in my heart came, but then again, there was joy and thankfulness in my heart for the time that we did get to spend together.  Even though it was in a yucky hospital, it was together.  Even though it was painful to remember some things, I almost laughed at unforgettable and hilarious moments that happened in that place, on that floor. 

Along with all those memories involving my life with Craig, I remembered back to the spring of 2009 when my good friend Will was sick and in the hospital.  Chris, my incredible husband, was with me when I first went to see him.  This was when he was in a drug induced coma and it was my first time going to Sacred Heart since Craig had passed away.  For 3 1/2 years I managed to avoid that place.  I was going to go and just visit with his family and close friends that were there, but they asked me if I wanted to go in to see him.  Something I wasn't prepared for.  I knew it was affecting me as soon as they asked; my heart had started to race.  Chris took my hand and walked with me to his room.  He told me afterward that my chest and face got so red.  I was shaking.  I did not want see another important person in my life in bad shape.  I remember telling Will that it was the first time I had been back to that hospital and I knew that he knew what a big step that was for me.  Will passed away about a month after that and I will never forget that day at that hospital.  I only wish I had the good memories of him there, that I have of Craig. 

Man, those mixed emotions.  They are conflicting.  They confuse me.  But, I think the bottom line of how we deal with them is this:  You may have negative emotions and positive emotions, all at the same time....it's which one we allow to affect us that matters.  I could have let those bad memories ruin my night and my time with my grandmother.  But, I chose to be thankful for all the good memories.  I chose to remember my past, but look forward to my future.  When we were there, and that hospital smell flooded my mind with memories, I also felt my baby girl moving around inside me.  I had sad emotions from the tragedy that happened at the place, but I was also feeling elated from this live movement inside me!  Mixed emotions, all at one time!  But, I chose to look forward.  Not forget the past, but look forward to this great life and future God is blessing me with. 

(I am also looking forward to meeting my new niece that is about to be born at Sacred Heart!  So, I think that place that I dreaded so much for so long, will now have a wonderful new memory to look back on, the birth of a beautiful little girl who is going to bring so much joy to me, her parents and our family!)

Thanks for "listening" to me ramble.  Just had those thoughts that I wanted to get out. :)  God bless, everyone!