Those pesky conflicting emotions

Have you ever had a lot of different emotions in one day? Or at one time? Most of us probably have.  That seems to have been my life the past 5 years.  I am definitely no stranger to conflicting emotions. I think at some point, we wonder if that means we are crazy, because how is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time?  Or to be fearful and have hope at the same time?  I just experienced these conflicting emotions a few days ago and it threw me for a whirlwind of thoughts and strange feelings.

My grandmother (my only living grandparent) was admitted into the hospital this past week with some serious heart problems.  (She's been released now and is following up with more doctors to figure out what is going on).  But of course, of all places...she was admitted to Sacred Heart Hospital.  We parked on the Heart Institute side of the hospital and started making our way through the parking lot to one of the side entrances.  My mind immediately went back to the days when I spent a huge amount of time on Floor 2, The Cancer Ward. The years of 2005 and 2006 were spent with my first husband Craig, as he went through his battle with Lymphoma.  We had a lot of rough times in that hospital, a lot of good times too.  That hospital is where he passed away.   So, I have a general dislike of that place.  I remember for the first year after he passed, when I drove by Sacred Heart, my stomach would lurch and I would almost have some kind of panic attack.  I hated that place.  So, when we were walking up to the entrance of the hospital a few days ago, I remembered that same walk from the car to doors.  Craig didn't eat a lot of hospital food, so any time he was in the hospital, I would usually go out and get us breakfast.  Of course other people who were so generous brought us food most other times of the day.  I was never a morning person (and still am not), but still when I have to get up really early, just when it's turning daylight out, I am brought back to those days of getting up out of the cot in the hospital room, making that familiar walk out to my car and driving to get McDonald's. 

I always park at the same place there at Sacred Heart, so the route from the parking lot, through the doors, down the hall, a turn to the right, down the hall to the elevator....even though it's been years, it's still so familiar to me.  Like those days were yesterday.  So, on the way to see my grandmother, I expected to have those yucky emotions and memories, but I wasn't expecting how strong they ended up being.  As soon as we walked in the doors, the smell hit me.  Not a bad smell, just that hospital smell.  And memories flooded my mind.  Bad ones, and good ones.  You know, smell is the strongest link to our memories.  I knew that, but I had forgotten how strong it could be.  It was crazy.  So many things flashed in my mind; I could clearly remember the faces of different doctors and nurses, the cleaning ladies, the lady at the Starbucks on the corner, where all the scans and procedures took place, the stairway that I used so much, the hospital rooms, the nurses stations, the chapel, how to work the iv pump, where the bathrooms were.   So many memories that seemed like yesterday.  And the different emotions started.  The ache in my heart came, but then again, there was joy and thankfulness in my heart for the time that we did get to spend together.  Even though it was in a yucky hospital, it was together.  Even though it was painful to remember some things, I almost laughed at unforgettable and hilarious moments that happened in that place, on that floor. 

Along with all those memories involving my life with Craig, I remembered back to the spring of 2009 when my good friend Will was sick and in the hospital.  Chris, my incredible husband, was with me when I first went to see him.  This was when he was in a drug induced coma and it was my first time going to Sacred Heart since Craig had passed away.  For 3 1/2 years I managed to avoid that place.  I was going to go and just visit with his family and close friends that were there, but they asked me if I wanted to go in to see him.  Something I wasn't prepared for.  I knew it was affecting me as soon as they asked; my heart had started to race.  Chris took my hand and walked with me to his room.  He told me afterward that my chest and face got so red.  I was shaking.  I did not want see another important person in my life in bad shape.  I remember telling Will that it was the first time I had been back to that hospital and I knew that he knew what a big step that was for me.  Will passed away about a month after that and I will never forget that day at that hospital.  I only wish I had the good memories of him there, that I have of Craig. 

Man, those mixed emotions.  They are conflicting.  They confuse me.  But, I think the bottom line of how we deal with them is this:  You may have negative emotions and positive emotions, all at the same time....it's which one we allow to affect us that matters.  I could have let those bad memories ruin my night and my time with my grandmother.  But, I chose to be thankful for all the good memories.  I chose to remember my past, but look forward to my future.  When we were there, and that hospital smell flooded my mind with memories, I also felt my baby girl moving around inside me.  I had sad emotions from the tragedy that happened at the place, but I was also feeling elated from this live movement inside me!  Mixed emotions, all at one time!  But, I chose to look forward.  Not forget the past, but look forward to this great life and future God is blessing me with. 

(I am also looking forward to meeting my new niece that is about to be born at Sacred Heart!  So, I think that place that I dreaded so much for so long, will now have a wonderful new memory to look back on, the birth of a beautiful little girl who is going to bring so much joy to me, her parents and our family!)

Thanks for "listening" to me ramble.  Just had those thoughts that I wanted to get out. :)  God bless, everyone!

Rick Warren

I am one of the geeks on Twitter.  Honestly, I don't think it's really for me, but what I do love about it, is being able to "follow" pastors that I really like. I really enjoy Troy Gramling (our pastor at Flamingo Road Church), Andy Stanley and Rick Warren. I especially like Rick Warren's "tweets".  At least once a day, I am getting something out of what he shares.  So, I thought I would share some of his thoughts with you. Hope you like them!

"We overestimate what we can do in 1 year & underestimate what we can do in 10. Set larger goals & take longer to reach them."

"Anytime you expect anyone to meet needs in your life that only God can meet, it's unfair to them & disappointing to you." 

"If God only used perfect people nothing would get done."

"FAITH is FOLLOWING without knowing where, WAITING without knowing when, BELIEVING without knowing how, TRUSTING without knowing why."

"All leadership is built on trust & trust is built on truth."

"My family is my 1st ministry. I'll never regret I put them before work...."

"The most common way Jesus comes into our lives is through a broken heart."

"The big error young leaders make is thinking leadership is about the leader.  It's not about YOU! It's about those you serve."

"Authenticity is being what you seem & saying what you mean."

"PAIN can either be the most useful or the most useless part of your life.  It all depends on how much you trust God in it."

There are so many more, these were just some quotes that jumped out at me, at the place I am right now in life. If you have twitter, follow Rick! I promise you'll get something out of his daily words.

A little more real

I had my 5th midwife appointment Tuesday afternoon. Although it was a quick and a pretty non-eventful appointment, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why? We were given our Baptist Hospital packet. This includes information on birthing classes, our preadmission forms and a birth plan to help make sure what we want to happen during the labor and delivery actually happens. For some reason, just thinking about scheduling the tour of the Birthing Center makes it all the more real to me. I'm half way through the pregnancy and absolutely can't wait to hold this little girl.

I feel very blessed to (at this point) not have a million questions asked about the type of delivery I want to have or why we want to do clothe diapers. I think a lot of moms-to-be are driven crazy with those questions and opinions. Maybe the reason why I haven't had a ton of that going is, people know me well enough to know that, sure...they can give me their opinions, but I'm ultimately going to do what I want. That sounds sort of rude, that's not what I intend. For me, I am proud that I am a pretty decisive and sure woman that knows what she wants. I guess what I mean is that I'm glad that I don't give in to peer pressure. Does that make sense? I think so many young woman can be swayed one way or another if they are not sure of who they are.

Saying all that, I do appreciate all the mommy advice I'm given when I ask for it, and I definitely take in to consideration all the different options and opinions given to me.  I mean, it's not like I'm a pro at this yet.  I definitely don't know everything, and can't talk from experience yet. This is my first child!  I am so thankful that I have a number of really close girlfriends who have and are continuing to have babies. I feel like I can get up to date information from them and get really honest answers and advice from them. Thank God for those women and for my mom! Although she doesn't remember all the little things she dealt with during her pregnancy with me and Thomas, she's just supportive. Which is so nice and so needed!

The one thing I guess I would like is more support from the close people around me (the ones I need the support from the most!), on the choice to not do an epidural. My close friends know why I am choosing not to go that route and although they understand why I am doing a more natural birth, I don't feel like they think I can do it. That is disheartening. I guess because I deal with these migraines so bad, and they leave me in bed for days a lot of the time, maybe people think my pain tolerance isn't very high.  To me, it's just the opposite - although a very different type of pain, I know that if I can handle the migraines, I will be able to handle the birth. Nevertheless, I know that I am really the only person that has to believe in myself. And I do.

I am very excited about my support system that will be with me during the birth of Emery. My husband, Chris of course. He'll be my #1, my most important Encourager.  My mother, who will know exactly how to rub my head if I start getting a headache. One of my best friends, Brittany. She'll be my picture taker and positive reenforcement. And Tina, my massage therapist and close friend of my family. I'm viewing her sort of as my Doula. And she's someone to keep everyone else calm if they get too worked up. ;) 

Ah, so now, we do paperwork and schedule our tour and go to the Great Expectations Class. So scary, but so exciting!